Updated: Aug 17
I contain within myself fragments of experience from different personas. This gives me an incredible ability to identify with people from all walks of life in some way. Because I myself was often misunderstood, I’ve spent a good portion of my life yearning for understanding, while the other part of me was in a state of discontent.
Suffering is sometimes glamorized in my mind.
In the first half of my life, I tackled a fair number of challenges in which efforts to express my will were often thwarted. I had difficulty expressing myself and was not very quick to speak or communicate my needs, as I needed to develop trust in my own abilities. There was a persistent feeling that I cannot get what I want compared to others, being raised as an only child by a single mother. I have grown quite possessive, both of material things and of people.
"How to merge the head and the heart is a constant struggle for my art."
As I grew older, this isolation was redirected into deposits of physical energy. Being capable of a lot of things, being academically competent, being an over-achiever made up a strong part of my sense of self-worth. Independence is what made me, and I value success most when I achieve it on my own.
I defended my values fervently.
I acted impulsively, and I was not known for sticking things through. No beating around the bush. But make no mistake about it, when given a chance to express myself, I move about the world in a pensively gentle manner. Whether I come across as a person, a student or an artist, I kept my mind and heart open – a chameleon-like persona. I believe in people.
Though I try to avoid reality, every now and again it hits me over the head.
I am an artist.
I used to desire love and affection in order to live well in this world. But this version of myself has vanished in this time. I am far too unconcerned about emotional validation to make scenes outside the comfort of my own space. Whatever decision I make now, big or small, may result in a domino effect that indirectly involves my audience. I cannot simply behave or live my life like I used to. Before, everything was different – normal. Now I seem to live on a perpetual seesaw. Many things that I used to think were truthful and interminable are now uncertain. At this point, being alive seems to be a constant conflict between the head and the heart.
How to merge the head and the heart is a constant struggle for my art. I still resist any kind of restriction and I don't want to be pinned down or fastened in any way. My soul is a restless, searching kind that cannot be completely content with only one way of existing. To me, my art is living. And I choose to create my way through life.
Behind my art is merely a person with dreams.
The arts, music, drama, healing – these are all fields in which I can find expression. But what’s important is to hold the meaningful exchanges with others in doing so. Maybe this is what happiness means for me in the long run. But truth be told, I am happiest in my own little solitary world. So I am here simply to enjoy the moment, and my art is a mere experience from my own point of view.